The Pillow Case
The Pillow Case
Hello, I am going to share the story of my secret pillowcase, and what it represents to me. You see a couple of years ago I died and so did everything I loved, but as I was trying to recover I was also trying to be who I used to be. I hung on to everything that represented what I missed so much. Every thought, memory and emotion would be thrown into a big pile to be resorted to create a new person. I have spent the last 2 years fighting this new person. Hell how fair is it to have to come back from the dead and torture everyone I ever loved with the memories of who I used to be.
I was changed in a instant, everyone around me realized this, but could not understand it. Heck its taken me 2 years to realize and admit it myself. I now realize how loved this old person I was, by everyone. They were pissed off, and wanted him back, and so did I. I was left with massive smarts and new wisdom since the accident, but I am having a hard time of letting go of who I used to be.
This pillow case I am taking about, my ex-wife slept with it, I have not washed it since the accident, in the beginning I could smell her, playing mind tricks on myself thinking part of her was with me. But the smell of her was calming but a stabbing reminder of how much I missed her, and what use to be us. Now a little over 2 years of this old me that pillowcase no longer has her smell but I can still feel it even with the bad smells that pillow must have. They represent the most beautiful memories of the old me.
To this day I still sleep with that dirty old pillow, but now I am forgiving myself and her for what happened. For so long we tried to blame the fault, I tried to pretend the accident never happened. Till I was face to face, with this new me, who scared everyone so much. As time went on, I started realizing that it’s not their fault they wanted back this person they loved so much, and so did I.
At night I sometime squeeze that pillow so hard and cry, but never realized that someone else was crying too. I could only focus on what I had lost, me. I never put into perspective that when I had my injury so did they. And all the pain that a man can cause with someone else’s memories still amazes me. I hope I can stop the pain, let people morn of this death. Stop haunting them with who this person used to be. We all need to heal, and put the dead to rest.
My pillowcase is still on my bed, maybe someday I can let it go, but for now it is the only thing, that reminds me of what was once good, in my life. I wish I could let it all go, but I need to hang on to something that was good. There has been so much bad, but I finally realize it is no ones fault. No one wanted this, it is just what it is.