Introduction

Pastor Craig

Introduction

Here we go trying to figure out this thing called life. I think I have developed some kind of separation disorder, when my children are not with me. It burns the very core of my soul. And what is harder it does the same to them. My oldest made a comment that my heart was broken. I contemplated that, but that is not the case. My heart is where God wants it. He desires of each of us that we give to one another for the sole purpose of wanting to give. When He tells us to cloth the poor, help the desperate or feed the hungry. He does not want us to do it because we have to; His plan is for us to do it because we want to. But because our hearts desire to reach out. I have been developing this now for over 10 years. In the beginning I would do this because that was what I thought my duty was. So I realize that my heart is how God wants it. You see balance is something I have struggled with all my life. And I have lost all balance, but it is that warped balance that allows me to do God will. My biggest fear is that as I keep crossing that line to what seems to be insanity that one day I will not make it back to reality. I pray from the deepest fibers of my soul that the Lord keeps His promise, which I believe He will. That He will never give us more than we can handle with Him. I do how ever find it hard to believe He thinks I can take this much pain.

So if my heart is not broken what is it? Over the last couple of years I have seen several physiologists, rehab specialist, neurologists and doctors. I have had several issues I have been trying to work on. One is what everyone told me I had, now mind you not doctors or anything but everyone who knew me. They all assumed I was suffering from depression. So if I got said and tried to cry out for help to the ones I loved they would send for the mental police. They snagged me up twice because when I cried out the people I love wanted nothing to do with this mess, me. So they wanted to lock me up and just have me out of the way. It was the easy way. I would be evaluated and never did they see depression. But never the less they would pump me up with anti depressants, which would rock the very foundation of who I was. They would actually make me suicidal. It took trying 5 or 6 different ones all having the same effect for me to realize what I feel inside is real and ok. I have no desire to live for myself, and the fact that I am beginning to believe that the effect I have on my children who are the only people who have ever loved me. That it might not be what is best for them. That if I would have been killed in my life altering accident they might have been better off. I know for a fact that would have been better for my ex, who does have any heart I had for this world. But it is but a lost cause now. I am pretty sure I can never make it back to the reality of this world in any kind of normalcy.

I wonder the purpose of all of this. But Gods grace carries me through. For some reason He wants me to share these feeling with all of you. Maybe some will learn from my mistakes and not have to follow the path of destruction that my life has been. I must say I have been overwhelmed by the amount of people who take an interest in my stories. Over a million people each year read these stories from over 50 countries around the world. And the emails of people seeing hope in all of this create a type of peace inside. And every person who finds some use for what I do pleases my God. I realize I am unable to really help anyone in the state that I am in. But to see God work through me to make a difference has been enough to keep me going this long. I am here to tell you none of what I am doing or will do is of me; it is 100% of God. When I lost my ability to control my emotions and social behavior He blessed me with a gift of extreme processing ability. I am able to gather large amounts of information and publish it for people to use. I believe in my heart I will help a couple of people along the way. My hope is they never have to get on this path of no return that I am on.

I have determined that it is not my heart that is hurt but the very fiber of my essence has been ripped out possible lost forever. Who I was, was deliberately stolen from the only person that I truly ever loved. And the hardest part it brought joy and satisfaction to them. And her lust to cause more pain was insatiable and no friendship or love was left untouched. I do have a little pride in how I conducted myself. I did lash out a couple of times as this was happening but for the most part I just walked away and stayed out of her life. I truly had enough love in me to want her to be happy. So when I die I have much peace in knowing that my children know beyond a shadow of a doubt I loved them more than life it self. And my ex knows that as well. I do not blame anyone we are the masters of our own destiny weather we are in our right minds or not.

Now I am not looking for sympathy I am way past that. I believe that things happen for a reason. They children involved in the accident with me swear that angels helped us out of the car that day. For a long time I had a problem believing that. At one point I believed it was the Devil himself that day. But as time has passed I understand it was Jesus that day. I was not saved and with all my faults and wrong paths that made up my life to Him I was worth it. And that in order for me to be saved I truly had to lose myself. My heart never changed but no one would ever see that. Who I really was, was still I but no one cared. But beyond the realm of our thinking there He was. I did not deserve His love but He sees the heart that beats inside of me. He always knew. But the hardest thing I spent years giving of my heart and when my accident happened everyone gave up. And to be honest I have now given up. Not to say I won’t stay firm in the place where He wants me. But to be so disconnected with everything and the space growing.

I thank Jesus for all this; I realize that my salvation depended on this. It did not have to be this hard. He gave much easier and happier paths. But I was foolish and did not follow them. But in Gods abundant grace, He never gave up on me. And guess what He will never give up on you. It is us who choose the paths, and when the Devil brings a easier path of less resistance. We take it and imprison our souls and sometimes those souls around us. That is what happened to me, weather my heart was good or not I drug everyone I knew into the dark path with me. So should I be so surprised when God reaching into the darkness and amazingly pulls me out. That everything that I built in the darkness falls apart. But it devastated me, even the things he blessed me with crumbled from the dark path. And as my new childhood emotions develop I know the sting of pain but have the realization that is nothing to the cost He paid.

My hope is my journey’s end is near. My eyes are focused on heaven for the first time in my life. I do not put anything in this world above Him. I have put so many things before Him. I have betrayed, and broke almost every rule He ever made. I lost every piece of goodness He put in my life. And this is how it had to be. The blessings that He continues to give as incredible as they have been. All the glory is His, how He can use a mess is incredible, and not many know how truly messed up I am. In the beginning I tried to pretend nothing was wrong. By the time I admitted to myself something was wrong my life as I knew it was ripped out of my very soul. And chances are the worsening headaches, getting less and less sleep and the horrible pains that my body now feels are signs that the end of my pain is near. I so pray for peace and an end to this terror of the last couple of years. I would have never believed a body could go through so much pain for so long. The headaches that drive you to insanity from the pain. And just plain given up, you have seen so many professionals trying to help and it continually worsens. The fear that you feel that you are going to leap into insanity and not make it back one day. The guilt of your children seeing this pain you are going through and you can’t stop it. The guilt that you know your children need you so much but the pain is so great you pray to have an end to the pain. A love so great but so out of balance, trapped in a soul that cannot connect, a soul who’s love has been promised and a promise that God himself is making me accountable. Praise the Lord for His mercy. None of this I could not have done with my old brain walking in the dark path. I road the boarder of paths in my life for so long, it took a miracle to set me free. A miracle so great that angels, or maybe Jesus Himself would create in my life. I would be changed in a flash of an eye and the brain that once controlled my life. It would lose total control from a heart that God created from the beginning.

In sharing the dark paths I have chosen you will not learn how to live your life. You will not learn hidden secrets to lives challenges. But I hope by sharing maybe God can use someone else’s mistakes and poor chooses in paths. That maybe you might think before taking the easy path, which is usually the dark path. And evaluate the choices and maybe you will see that what looks like the easy path is really the hard path, the dark path. I guess I am becoming an informationalist. I believe that if people know what is out there, and can find it that it will help them make good choices. And part of my reward for finally taking some right paths in my life. I get to help start something that will help people for years to come. The old me it was always me, now God is building people to continue what I start. It is the most amazing thing to have my path cross with all of these great people. I am a tool to help bring them together. If my prayers are answered and God show mercy on me and I can complete His will it will continue. I will have finally left a legacy of something worthwhile, something my children can be proud of. And with the utmost pride I can say I truly loved unconditionally and I have let go of the anger and hate that was in me for all my life. I have finally been forgiven and it was there the whole time. But when you spend most of your life on the dark paths. It becomes impossible to understand what is real and what is not. I understand it is not what we can do for ourselves but our desire to do what is of Him.

pastor Craig Sicilia productions