Hello Friends
Hello friends,
I feel all the prayers, and I thank you for that, life is a ride. I continue to remain fairly clear with wide-open emotional receptors, as I start to piece this puzzle of a life together. Reality is so harsh; sometimes God makes paths that are very difficult. My path is one like this. I have very few options, which is a good thing I still am reluctant to make a decision, they are all being made for me. As I see the broader picture of things, I have been forced to be somebody I am not all my life. Since I was young I had to constantly defend anything I did. My life has been one with out love. I am not sure what love is. I use to think I knew, but as I become less, I now realize I do not know anything. Now I never have been close to my parents. So any time I was around them they constantly tried to fix me, rather than accept me. In high school and college I was very popular but no one was ever let into my heart. It was closed, because of all the abuse and hard times as a child. But I think I see a slight glimpse of God’s plan. I know His plan is perfect, but to understand the pain of the heart so well. I do not understand why love has to hurt so much. When Jesus said that we will bare persecution because of His name, I had no idea it was from the ones closest to you. But it was right there Judah was one of Jesus’ closest friends. And what is even more incredible is that He knew from the beginning and did it anyway. For you and me, a sinner. I do look forward to heaven and perfect love, just the small taste I had was wonderful. Now because of how and who I am, no one will love me again. I will give my all, heart and soul to spread Gods word. Why he picked me I have no Idea, it is not because of any greatness I have, it was out of mercy. He knew that He was all I would ever have. And the devil has been around too, he has helped mold me into this person I am fighting to free myself from. He is so strong friends, he is in all of my relationships, reminding me I am this bad person, this liar this person whose actions have always been one of kindness and gentleness. But all of my life the devil has controlled my tongue. For the last ten years it’s been an upward fight. And for the first time in my life, I am standing up for what is right, he has put thoughts in people’s heads to make them vicious, and attack. Someone the other day that I care about rubbed it in, and enjoyed it and basically belittled anything I am doing. I have so submitted to this world. The only thing that was important I know realize I do not belong part of that. The devil will use them as a tool, to get at me. I guess he doesn’t have anything better to do, I am a nobody. But I have Jesus inside of me. He thinks by taking everything away he can turn me. He has turned me several times, now. My spirit and mind are strong, my body is not doing as well. My shakes as they call them are getting worse, all that remains good in my life is difficult. I have to be strong and positive which is hard when you are so empty. But I do it, only through Jesus, the power people see amazes me. Now passion and ambition I have always had. If I would have been more in tune with what God was doing in my life years ago things would have been so good now. All I have now is to prove is to myself and my God that I am true to my heart. How I ended up with this morality ill never know. My failed marriage destroyed any self worth I had. The fact that I may never see my children or in such a limited way that I would be a awful father. I always wondered how a man could not want to be part of his children life, and would say to myself what kind of man is that. I am so sorry for judging. I had no idea it was because of the pain, that it just might be best. God I pray for the right paths. It hurts to know that other people are going through this same thing, everywhere I look, there’s pain. If I only could have realized the forces working, I would have focused in one direction and treasured my family more. Gods plan is balanced, I should have realized, but life is so complex. I am very lucky; I get to start a new life, in Christ, knowing tough love. Balance your lives, if you don’t you will lose perspective of what’s truly important and it could be gone in an instance. I am not sure of the path I am going, but I am not worried about it anymore. I do know it’s a path where nothing of this world will matter, my family will get anything I have. Even after the last slap in the face saying I don’t love you when I get some special papers. But the funny thing is they will probably say I love you here. But it don’t matter, I will always cherish the love that I had, because of Christ in my life it has been the only thing I have ever been committed to. I am proud of that, I wish I knew just how much it meant before it was to late. I know God has a plan here, I have lots of friends again, good god fearing people all over the country now. I have thought that all I really need is a laptop and car. In the end I will have nothing so the stuff of the world don’t really matter. I will always cherish the love I had for a while, and there will not be a day that goes by that it doesn’t bring tears to my eyes. When I write this stuff, which I still find amazing you all like to read this stuff. But I figure if I focus on God miraculous will in my life, it is for the good. So ill keep on sharing with you, at times it seems so morbid, I usually cry as I write this stuff, so lots of emotion goes into it. It is from my heart. I accept what life has given me, and I praise God that I have some purpose. I am getting tired though, so I know that His mercy is not far off, I just need to keep my eyes on Him, no matter how difficult it will seem. I have to give it up from the heart and prove it to God. I still have been arguing with my ex-to-be wife as soon as she finishes it. I hope she hurries so she can get closure. I do love her so and the pain I caused her is beyond my imagination. But because I know what a beautiful person she is or was her actions tell of the pain. The guilt will be with me till the day I die. My love is poison for some reason, but Gods is good. I will share His Love, and know I am not capable of being loved in this life. But the love I give I will get back so much more. I go forth with Christ in my heart, and nothing else. In the end probably not till I am dead unfortunately by actions will speak if I follow Jesus. And that is enough; it appears to be my destiny in this life. And no one will see the pain I fight constantly, and the horror I will keep to myself. I have no need to fight anymore, everyone can have what they want, I want nothing of this world. Praise is to Christ that we have hope, and that’s what this is about. Just those hopes through Him, trust in this world, and all is lost. Pray continually and be grateful for all circumstances for that is Gods will in your life. Use His power and share it with man.