PASTOR CRAIG.NET

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

admin — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 05:15:49 +0000

If I die before I wake, I will be proud of the life I lived. With every ounce of energy I truly tried to give others like me hope.

If I die before I wake, I can be proud of the kind of father I was and how much love I had for them not would ever compare.

If I die before I wake, I will have guile that I did not do enough, so many lives left untouched and lost and hopeless.

If I die before I wake, my pain will be gone the pain that I have felt since that one harsh day when everything change and everyone walked away.

If I should die before I wake only my children will I feel sorry for, the pain and loss and life they will have to live with only the other.

If I die before I wake it is Gods gift to me after so long and much pain and poverty that so many feel in this life they live.

When I think of all the people who did nothing but harm to me and other like me, I wonder what God will say to them.

When I think of all the pain, my health that I could not tend to, the pain in my teeth and seizures that get worse as time goes on.

When I think of priorities of those who said they were here for us and were only here for themselves or to build a good name.

When I think of all God made possible I thank him every day for a life worth living but now its time with no regrets of how I lived my life.

When I think of the peace that I could not find here, I pray to God that my soul he take.

LAST BREATH

admin — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 21:45:37 +0000

The Pillow Case

Hello, I am going to share the story of my secret pillowcase, and what it represents to me. You see a couple of years ago I died and so did everything I loved, but as I was trying to recover I was also trying to be who I used to be. I hung on to everything that represented what I missed so much. Every thought, memory and emotion would be thrown into a big pile to be resorted to create a new person. I have spent the last 2 years fighting this new person. Hell how fair is it to have to come back from the dead and torture everyone I ever loved with the memories of who I used to be.

I was changed in a instant, everyone around me realized this, but could not understand it. Heck its taken me 2 years to realize and admit it myself. I now realize how loved this old person I was, by everyone. They were pissed off, and wanted him back, and so did I. I was left with massive smarts and new wisdom since the accident, but I am having a hard time of letting go of who I used to be.

This pillow case I am taking about, my ex-wife slept with it, I have not washed it since the accident, in the beginning I could smell her, playing mind tricks on myself thinking part of her was with me. But the smell of her was calming but a stabbing reminder of how much I missed her, and what use to be us. Now a little over 2 years of this old me that pillowcase no longer has her smell but I can still feel it even with the bad smells that pillow must have. They represent the most beautiful memories of the old me.

To this day I still sleep with that dirty old pillow, but now I am forgiving myself and her for what happened. For so long we tried to blame the fault, I tried to pretend the accident never happened. Till I was face to face, with this new me, who scared everyone so much. As time went on, I started realizing that it’s not their fault they wanted back this person they loved so much, and so did I.

At night I sometime squeeze that pillow so hard and cry, but never realized that someone else was crying too. I could only focus on what I had lost, me. I never put into perspective that when I had my injury so did they. And all the pain that a man can cause with someone else’s memories still amazes me. I hope I can stop the pain, let people morn of this death. Stop haunting them with who this person used to be. We all need to heal, and put the dead to rest.

My pillowcase is still on my bed, maybe someday I can let it go, but for now it is the only thing, that reminds me of what was once good, in my life. I wish I could let it all go, but I need to hang on to something that was good. There has been so much bad, but I finally realize it is no ones fault. No one wanted this, it is just what it is.

Death In every Breath

admin — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 19:07:01 +0000

the feeling of death that constantly surrounds us as we journey to the end, some are lucky enough to have a purpose and use that to do great things despite the smell of death, hoping to change things for others, in Christ so much is possible when there is nothing to lose except everything on ward Christian Soldier

Perplexity of Life

admin — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 01:59:38 +0000

So here we are, life is funny and strange. I am not sure what is reality and what is not. Our pace of life goes so fast and thing change so much. I get lost on what is what and as many it tares at my soul. I am on this trail of trying to figure this sh*t out too. I am not sure if I am making the best decisions all the time. I believe to badly that everyone needs to work together but for some reason its not happening. People, personalities and politics stop the grass roots of brain injury from truly being understood. And the sucky thing is that it really is not that difficult. There is just so many of us millions of us, it bends ones mind with the perplexity of it all. The farther I get into it the more I realize this is bigger than anything ever. Brain Injury Disability Advocacy then we ponder on those who have abandoned us, and our short comings. Fight to be who you need to be, you are your own best expert listen to your heart you will find the answers. May you find the peace you long.

9 months post TBI Searching for any kind of answer – read “hello friends” from the top left under pages

WHEN YOU WISH IT WAS JUST OVER

admin — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 00:17:02 +0000

Through life had had lost of meaning and new experience I never recovered from the purposeful destruction of my soul, It carries with me every second of every day, it has been the driving force of what has inspired me to change this misunderstanding of one of the most horrific acquired disabilities one could imagine one where you change so much no one recognizes you and one by one everyone and everything you loved is stripped away violently from your soul leaving you to live a life of pan and tour chore in a isolated world. And the sad thing is I am lucky so many have had is worse. This has to change and I hope I have helped bring about that change but I pray every night that my journey is over and I can be in peace and away from a world of such pain

When death is close

admin — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 04:32:23 +0000

when you have waited for years for it to come it is a shock but a peace goes through your veins to be done with a world of injustice and harsh people to be done with it all what a good feeling of a peace to come to rid yourself of a world so cold

Fast and Slow – The acceptance

admin — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 02:21:02 +0000

Fast and Slow (this poem was written 5 years post tbi)

How things once seemed like home
How fast it changed to homeless
How fast I lost my home
How fast I lost my career
How fast I lost my friends
How fast I lost my family
How fast I lost my wife
How fast I lost myself
How fast I am so lost
How slow I die

Journey of one,(this was wrtten 18 months post injury its my journal when I first realized my injury)

Sometimes in life we are dealt things that we do not understand. Sometimes God sets a journey in front of us that we are to walk alone. My journey seems to be one of these. I suffered a brain injury, and God was to use this so that I would understand beyond a doubt that He would be all I would be left to depend on. I would learn the lesson that He is all I really have. I would spend the critical months that should have been used for recovery and rehabilitation and go into survival mode. I would spend all my energy trying to survive. And ignoring the seriousness of my injury.

Now more than 2 years into the injury I would be faced with the hard truth that the injury is real, and not going away. Everything that I was would be gone, and there would be nothing left. It’s a hard realization but it is what it is. Now my

you took my life away

admin — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 16:41:23 +0000

Life is funny, this is a video I put together with one of my songs. The song was written a couple of years after a debilitating injury I suffered. It was about a wife who really left me for dead. I was pretty much bullied, if I couldn’t get well she was going to leave. I tried, and knew what was happening even with the cognitive disability over a year of amnesia but she wouldn’t listen she didn’t care. Maybe she never did. But I never stopped loving even to this day, though I was always a nut and gave my heart it didn’t matter. She liked the full of crap me, not the one who truly cared about humanity. She will never know that person. But as I share this, realize it was the emotions I felt as she methodically and deliberately went out of her way to destroy anything that was important to me, my family, my job, my best friend, my home, my children it was the most bizarre thing I ever experienced. Mind you I had a messed up life, abused from one foster home to another. And my family would never take responsibility. She really did me a favor to help me shed those things of my past that were evil like her. So she saved me from hell and to begin to live the life that Christ had in mind. As I try to discover his plan in my life. We will travel this road and I will share about faith through pain. Some old stuff from the depth of abuse from those I love, to new things that have been inspired

Read “THE FOG” upper left under pages (written shortly after my TBI before I was diagnosed as my life was falling apart click on the banner below )

LIFE AFTER TOTAL LOSS

admin — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 15:28:21 +0000

after a significant disability most people can come out of it well with the right supports. But when your supports are taken away and then turn into something that’s mission is to destroy you and hurt you it makes the journey very difficult if not impossible, to this day it hurts to have the closest person in the world to you completely turn against you and dislike you so much to the point that their mission was to destroy and take away everyone and thing in your life with their sneaky ploys to do so. And you just let it happen and help the process because of your cognitive ability to change a single thing, and as you go through the next several years wanting to help others and making a difference – the spark you once had for life and living has been completely damage and is afraid of everything and one. This is one of those tests to see if you can follow him in the dark or if you will follow. I have learned that great things can come from someone who is in the dark and that no one has that passion unless you are traveling the same road

Living in the dark

admin — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 16:37:36 +0000

Many times people with disabilities are ignored, excluded and even exploited and abused, So it is not wonder they isolate and hide from others they do not have the skill to succeed in such an environment, and when one is acquired it makes it worse the one they use to love usually leave one by one and when they leave they punish that person because they don’t understand they are not doing it on purpose, with so many of our vets coming home with these hidden disabilities society is going to make them ashamed and not get the help they need because they look fine, but as their lives fall apart piece by piece either because of TBI or PTSD no one tries to understand and the believe it is an act for some purpose, let us pray for all with hidden disabilities the pain society puts on them is overwhelming and sometime those services supporting them do not know the journey they don’t hire people living it rather people who’s sole purpose it to profit from it, let us pray for the light to shine on these lives and guide them to make it out of the dark