Sit and Ponder
Here I sit and ponder God’s plan. I feel so inept to accomplish His will. Life is funny and a thread holds everything together. I am faced with duties to my children that are immense. And the decisions I make will forge their believes for the rest of their life. I have no secrets to share; all I can share is my confusion and fears that I can do what is right. My brain injury was severe and dramatically changed me. But as I balance out it really did not change me that much. But you would never be able to tell by the friendships that would endure my recovery.
As I reflect on my recovery the odds were against me from the beginning. I had a wife who would never realize or forgive me for getting hurt. It would anger her and set into motion punishment that I don’t believe I deserved. But what do I know maybe I did, or maybe it was just God’s plan to get my attention. Though I am still devastated how fragile my marriage really was. But deep down I knew how it really was. Any differences that we would have that I would not submit to her ideals would never be resolved. And for years I would be able to keep that balance and give in. And I would be blind or refuse to contemplate what was right in front of me. I knew she wanted someone else for years. And her mad dash to find someone would eat away at my soul. But a new realization would come to me. It was not my fault. It was not my issues or injury. It was not my choice or my children’s; everything would be decided for us.
Now I am face with how to instill God’s morals into my children as they watch this happening. My kids are smart and have an interesting understanding. I don’t really talk about it with them. Words are cheap and meaningless. They get plenty of lip service from my old friends and family. I just listen to what they say and try to process all this stuff. It is my duty to show by example what is right and wrong. It scares me, I was never taught this. I never had parents growing up. So I have had to learn all of this on my own. Observing others who are or seem to be successful.
The first 6 months after my injury were really difficult. No one ever tried to help. My sister who I love but have no respect for got involved and helped my then wife to believe that is was so awful what happened to her. So from the beginning it was never about my injury or what happened to me. During my first mental episode I would be left out side of a club, out of my mind, confused scared and alone. My wife and sister would go parting all night and I would be left to try to figure it out on my own. You can image how well that went, I had no idea what was happening, I didn’t even realize there was anything wrong with me. It would be months later when I would begin to understand.
Even though my physical injuries we visible, whiplash, torn rotator cuff, I was in severe amnesia from the concussion and had no long term or short term memory. Everyone I cared about I think thought I was acting or something. I have never really figured out what they thought. I searched out help, but it was hard to find. By the time I began to figure out what was going on which incredibly only took me about 8 months which I feel is impressive. Especially as I meet and help people who have been trying for decades to figure it out. But my wife already filed for a divorce, stuck me with all the debt we ever had, drained our bank account and took all of our tax refund. And started her campaign to degrade my integrity to everyone I ever knew. She would approach everyone and talk garbage. But I can be proud I did not do the same thing. I think deep down I knew she was scared too. But the hardest fact still torments my soul. That I was not loved, she was not my friend, even though I was hers. And everything was about her and her wants and needs. It was a harsh reality for someone struggling to remember who he or she was.
As I would try to find help for something I did not understand, and come to find out the help I was getting never would help me understand. With in a couple of months she would try to have me institutionalized because she could not understand, and really didn’t care. She wanted someone else to fix it. Which in its self is not a bad thing, but there was no one who could do this. I would basically find myself homeless; I would have to sleep on the couch or at friend’s houses because she wanted nothing to do with the process. I would never feel secure again. Any stability I would need would be denied. I would be left alone and scared. All my friends and family would not be there for me. So I got online and reached out for people, anyone. It got worse with that, she wanted me to be alone. I would be accused of cheating, when all along it was her who wanted someone else. The mind games would be mind bending and you add a brain injury on top of that.
Now I am faced with decisions that are tough. I believe I am setting a good example for my children. My fear is I see the devil working really hard to destroy the balance. My emotions which hang by a thread. All the people in my life overwhelm me. I have a very difficult time trusting. After all everyone I ever loved always abandoned me. I question if it was not an accident or maybe even the devils doing that I survived my accident. In my heart I feel that it would have been so much better if I would have died than for my children to have to go through all of this. The pain that I see in my children, all that I can to is tell them how sorry I am that I destroyed their family. It hurts so deep the pain I see in them. And what they saw as I tried to recover. In the beginning I was talking some medicine that made me suicidal. It took me over a year to realize that it was even happening. All the stories and music I have written over the couple of years. Stuff from someone left to die, and I believe it was everyone’s prayer that I die. They all so tried to push me over the edge. But there was God holding me and telling me I was worth it to Him the whole time.
My understanding of why I was worth it has been twisted and distorted. I thought it was all about my family and me. But I would be gravely mistaken; it was about His people and His plans. But If I can figure out how to do His perfect will, my children will come out ok. With out a doubt I am teaching my children about love, and show them as much love as any dad out there. God taught me about His great compassion and love for us. As I was abandoned and left alone He would send people into my life. People out of the blue. On in particular a Russian women who would teach me about love, one who would love my children and them her. One of high moral standards and a compassionate heart. But not one with out challenges of their own. This woman would make a wonderful wife and an exceptional step mom. This woman has the respect of my children and of me. She was there to help us through all of the hard times. And her family would serve as a beacon to me and my children how a family should be. And they would show us more love than we thought possible.
Now we are faced with a decision that will change our life forever. Do we make her part of our family? She would never leave us or abandon us. She would love us and add moral fiber of Godly standards. But my confusion lays in if it is right for me to remarry. If I remarry do I teach my children it is ok to not be committed. If I do not make her part of our family we will lose her. If I lose her, my children will be devastated; they care very much about her. Her and her family adds so much to their lives. And if I let her go I teach my children that love really does not mean anything. My heart and mind have been screwed with so much I am afraid. I need to do what is best for my children and this is all coming down to its end. I have to make a decision one way or another. Or it will be decided on its own. My children look at her as a parental figure, they love her, they respect her and they enjoy every minute we spend together. Then there is me, how perfect it is that my children are loved by her, and they love her. How perfect the example she sets for them. I am praying very hard about all of this. I know God will put me on the right path. I need to be open to taking His path.
As I go through these next couple of months I pray I do what is right. I pray I do what God has planed for me and my children. I pray that I can teach them what is right and wrong in God’s eyes. I pray that I teach them to depend on God. I need to make some changes in my life to see that they learn right from wrong according to God. I need to be the example that they can see. I need to learn to teach by example and not words. They see the power of God in my life. He has blessed us with lots and lots of people to serve. My children are meeting people of moral content. People who believe and serve God to the best of their ability.
I am faced with fixing some of my past mistakes. My children have no Godparents who believe and serve God. They do not practice faith. I choose God parents on who I liked not by their faith. So I need to connect my children with someone who has faith. A Godparent is someone who shares your faith in God and will teach your children about that faith and guide them as the mature. I made poor chooses, my oldest has someone that she considers a God parent but has no respect for their faith, and receives no spiritual guidance, they justify unmoral actions and actually encourage it, and talk to them trying to justify these, even though it is written in Gods book the bible how to live our lives. I am not even sure if they have read the bible. As I choose someone to help me with this here is what I have come up with so far.
When you are having a baby, choosing a godparent for your child can be one of the most important tasks you undertake in these beginning days of your child’s life. Choosing a godparent should not be a popularity contest nor should you feel pressured to choose a family member simply because it is ‘their turn’ or because they are your brother or sister. A godparent is someone who promises to guide your child in his faith and help to raise him the way you wanted him raised in the event of your demise. It is a mistake to pick a godparent assuming that nothing will happen to you and it doesn’t really matter who you choose.
Never choose a friend to be a godparent unless you have no suitable family members. Friends often move on and lose touch and someone who you are no longer in contact with is not likely to come back into your child’s life simply because you are gone. Friends often don’t take the godparent role seriously. Choose someone in your family that you know will be a responsible and willing recipient of the honor. The godparent of your child should share your faith if possible, if they are to continue your child’s education and guidance after you are gone. It is difficult for someone to guide another person in something they are not familiar with.
Be sure your choice of godparent is aware of your wishes where your child is concerned. A godparent is not necessarily the person who your child is left to when you die, be clear about these things in your will. Try and keep your child familiar and close with his godparents so that he is comfortable receiving guidance from them if the need arises.
Always talk to your prospects before making a final decision, be sure they share your vision and also, be sure they are willing to take on the responsibility. It is not wrong to tell your candidates that you are still thinking about it and want to get some more information about how they think they would handle the situation. This is a serious decision and should be arrived at carefully and responsibly.
See how this creates more questions what is right for me to do. I do not want to pick God Parents that will not have faith and do not practice Christianity. I do not want to pick people who will not be there for them. I will not call them Godparents; I think I will come up with a new name something like spiritual mentors. So I will be praying on what God’s will is in my life and my children’s. I will work hard to set the right example. And I will love even though my heart and soul have been damaged beyond believe. I will continue to have an open mind and not to set in my ways to allow my children to express themselves all the time keeping them in turn with God’s ways. I have a monumental task ahead of me. One that will determine my children’s, and my eternal soul. I pray I make the right choices and be all that God intends me to be for my children.
I pray my children can forgive me for not being able to hold our family together during my recovery. I hope that I can over come the guilt of losing my mind for a while. I will continue to do what I believe is God’s will for my family which is now my children and myself. I realize that life is not about me; it is about God’s will. I need to keep strong and do what is best for my children. I hope I don’t let them down in any way. They task in hand will effect my beautiful girls for the rest of their lives.
I have to teach by example and right the wrongs in their life. Show them love during the difficult years to come. To be there for them as an unfair life as been dealt to them. Give them the choice of their future with me even though they have been dealt a life that no one would ever choose. Show them the happiness of God’s path as we move forward to live and restore a live that was decided for us. And for us to do the best we can and make wise decisions together. And if I can do this I will have done my job as a parent teaching them to make moral chooses, even when it is the hard choice. My journey will be difficult and long, but with the love me and my children share it should be an awesome journey we will share together. And they will know I am not only their father but as well their best friend. And that because of God’s power in my life we still can have a happy ending and all meet in Jesus’s loving arms when God calls us home.
So As I travel this path on earth, I put my eyes forward to God’s kingdom and His work on this earth. Putting my priorities where they should have been all along. God first, then family and last me. I hope as you read this you pray for me and my children, our road will be narrow as the bible teaches us. We will have to make those difficult decisions together as a family. Even those choices that is most difficult because it is God’s way and will. But the price is high; it is our eternal soul we are fighting for. And I pray I do what is right. And by example I will teach.
