Better Off Dead
Does God Exist “taking it to the street”
As life has unfolded, and I lost my basic essence for a couple of years with in months the one person who I really loved for the first time in my life, could not or would not understand, there was nothing that could have made her understand, in all fairness there was one point in time that she was willing to understand, but the professionals did not prepare us for the journey that was to happen, for me it was a fight to understand the reason I was left living, but every waking moment the person who I trusted and gave my all to would be compelled to destroy every thing that I loved as I was caught in this land where I could not fight where I could not understand, only react to life and attacks. Though the devastation she caused would not allow me to have a real relationship though that is my deepest wish, would not allow me to love thought that is what I seek. Life truly is ironic it was this journey that would cause me to spend my life trying to change the awareness of brain injury. To try to save family though in the beginning I only wanted her to understand, as I got weird and eccentric she pulled further away from me, as I grasped for any immense of love she might have for me, as I tore the very fabric of her soul as I sought for answers that no one had, or no professional had. I would only discover answers from other who traveled my path and by the time I met that first of many persons who knew what I was going through and felt my life was taken completely from my grasp by the one person who I ever wanted to trust and love, my hope is I find someone who will love me as I loved. Pray for each other, that Jesus will open our eyes to the love that gives us reason, that we may recognize it and let it in.
Pick Our Self Up
It is an amazingly hard journey we survivors go through. And I realize I have been one of the lucky ones, many wonderful opportunities to explore, lots of new and different people in and out of my life. The satisfaction of contributing. Like I say I am lucky so many are left with nothing. But even with all the blessings in my life the weight of my soul from failing in life and losing so much that meant everything to me, what a fool I lived my life as. Hard to explain this awakening that happens, people just can’t believe it, hell I can’t believe it. But here I am stuck inside of someone I still don’t really know 5 years into this twilight now. When will the pain of who I was stop terrorizing my essence. Even if I could go back in time I don’t think it gets better than this. And at time this is not enough, not sure what is enough but the search for enough has my brain going a million miles an hour, sometime not even sure what the thoughts are my brain is going so fast. And times I to like so many regret that I am living, not feeling that I appreciate the purpose of my life. And this is from someone who sees it, I guess sometimes I just don’t like it. I think the thing that I try to remember is when I get into those modes, I need to know that it will pass, and I can help it pass. It’s like a magnetic force that pulls negative toward our inner being, and we must learn to not go there. Well fellow TBIers just thought I would start sharing random thoughts I pray that we may be blessed.